I Don’t Like Mirrors

I have always struggled with weight (please, what woman doesn’t).  And yes, my weight yo-yo’d throughout my college years and in my twenties, but I always stayed active and healthy.  Since having my second baby in June 2013, I’ve noticed that my self-image and self-esteem have plummeted to the point that I avoid looking at myself in the mirror – especially full length mirrors.  No. I HATE looking at myself in the mirror.  It’s time to repair my relationship with the mirror, and more importantly, the woman in the mirror.

Today – I looked in the mirror.

I’ve started running again after having baby #2 but since I became a mother, I never just run in a sports bra anymore.  In fact, I never wore anything that remotely showed my mid-section (stretch marks!).  Being adventurous, and knowing no one is home or will see me, I headed into my basement gym with just a sports bra and shorts, ready to run.  Mentally preparing myself because I dislike running on the treadmill…  then I remembered… that DARN full length mirror on the wall in our basement gym.  

There I was.  With my mid section exposed.  My image staring back at me.  Instinctively I started looking away, but stopped myself.  I’d love to say “I embraced what I saw and made peace…”  HELL NO. I judged.  I judged myself.  My image continued to stare back.  This time with a look of disgust.  No, I didn’t walk away.  Quite opposite.  I snapped a picture of it with my iPhone (no, I’m not quite ready to share it here yet).  As much as I struggled with the image I saw, I was proud of myself for looking.  Baby steps.  This will be my “before” photo – 7 months after baby #2.

No, this is not the end of this post but a beginning of many posts.  I’m not going to make a resolution of weight loss.  I’ve set running goals for myself.  I will get into better shape.  But not for weight loss-sake.  I want to be healthier.  I want to run faster, longer.  But most importantly, I want to love myself again and not be afraid to look in the mirror.

=Running Goals for 2014.  Since baby#2, I have PR’d a 5K (29:10), PR’d a 10K (60:05), Ran a Half Marathon within 6 months of having the baby (2:36:25).  For 2014, I want to run a Marathon within 12 months of having the baby (by June 2014) with the goal time of under 5:30:00.=

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One thought on “I Don’t Like Mirrors

  1. Wonderful personal essay, Catherine. You are a super mom in my book. I could never imagine running a mile without passing out, and you give us all the encouragement to strive for a healthier and more active lifestyle. Happy New Year!

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